Recently I blacked out for a week. Idont know if it counts as a real blackout but I can't arrange events within the time frame and there are several things that happened that I had thought to occur at an earlier or later date. I do not know what I did from last wednesday to practically today. I can tell you what I did on sunday, not monday, yesterday I went for a walk. Was that yesterday? The golf course was open to the public, it snowed heavily. I saw a couple walking with their dogs, maybe 4 or 5. A large husky and two others approached me excitedly, and she jumped up and smashed her nose into my mouth. Fortunate i was clad in shiesty. To the owners, a tall light skinned man and some sort of white woman clad in middle class cmb yuppie gorp shit, I made some shitty NPC comment about it being a good day for a walk. He chuckled and it seemed like I caught him off guard. Several ugly people on my walk, many people are deathly afraid of eye contact. I used to walk around and stare people right in the eyes. Its the kind of thing where if they stared back I would feel embarssed or awkward. It is thursday morning, 2:03 in the 4HL except im not in the 4HL at all, im in the 48HL. Fasted monday night to tonight, drank raw cranberry juice as I want to eradicate this covid. It is strange how this transpired in terms of virus distribution, only S***** and I have been affected so far. There is war in Europe. I am disgusted by the mental desolation of the American people. A group with no real unifying thread (nationality is a piece of paper) can not succeed against an organized and cohesive culture. The shift from heritage to nationality has left the American to side with their preferred state offering of nation in the form of increasingly polarized political partie(s dual). We are pigs who live in shit and rain suffering and horror upon the masses of countries we can not place on a map. I hate everything about the things we have built. I don't care about life being generally more comfortable. I dont care about these grandiose social causes that direct mass hysteria create no change and are ASTROTURFED to shit. I care about my grandma and my dad n shit. I care about my community, and I dont want to have to worry about nuclear war because of some retarded braying hyena idealogues that would just as quickly shoot me as a Russian. All i know is that I care about doing drugs. I feel like I am choosing weed, dxm, escapism, over relationships in my life. I know my friends, some of them, feel the same. I am escaping from nothing. As far as I can tell my life has been pretty good. I have material wealth, I have two loving parents who are currently both in my life, and I have strong core friendships. I have barely any drive but that is another topic entirely. I am hoping to go to a good college but money isn't great and I dont have enough of a concrete career path to spend $350,000 I dont have. My biggest uncertainty is the future. When I was a younger child I never thought about my life past the age of 12 or 13. Now I see in my future my patterns of addiction, I feel like the most deranged addict alive sometimes, even though its really just the weed the behaviors and patters are ingrained in my self. I still dont see anything else, and this scares me. My self in high school is a source of insecurity for me. I am disgusted by video games. I forgot what I was trying to say, im in the 48HL because since waking up on tuesday morning around 10 I have slept 2 hours. It is 3am on thursday. 15 minutes ago I took 5mg of melatonin. All day I have been hitting bowls of grabba, mugwort, and skullcap. I don't feel sober anymore. Broke my fast on chicken and pasta. I remember from the past week sitting in j****'s basement, not wanting to hit a bowl, bowl packed in front of me, and hitting it anyways. Ifeel like my lungs are connected to the ash and coals. I inhale and it takes a minute, a long one. I am good at smoking. The act, not the lifestyle. I am in my heart. I am just behind my eyes. My fish died today and I dropped him in the pond out back, knelt in the snow and said a prayer on the melting bank. I went back inside and said a prayer to my cat. *** said he worships his own set of deities and believes that they appear to you in life, I feel this way now about his presence. I wish I was so secure in my existence. I can feel the melatonin overpowering my will. I need tostay awake long enought o turn off my computer. IM not even writing this on newgrounds. I went for a run today and it reminded me of all those white girls with anorexia you can find online. My lungs, which have taken a fucking beating and still grow more powerful like a tree grows fruit, and this was surely an indication of their ripeness. My shits were doing backflips and frontflips, my mouth felt hydrophobic. I felt like I wasn't even there, elevated, light. Almost shimmering. I haven't been able to work out in almost 2 weeks and I hate this. Covid is a shitty state of being for us all. I am deep in selfjudgement. I am a master of cope. I don't know if i can hold a conversation. I dont remember if i was sober or high or what the last time I tried. I dont remember how I got here, and now I need to pick up the pieces and make something that can stand against all the negativity I bring to my surroundings. I am taking more melatonin. I have been having a really hard time being sober lately. I wanted to clean up a little in preparation for break, didn't do it. Break I dont care, but we did a lot of mushrooms and I don't know if it was okay. I hate myself I love myself. Where am i broken.

 I want to stop existing. I want to feel alive. I am in love with life. I am programmed. I am rife with programming and others intentions and all that comes with this great sapping force of our time. Addiction as a genetic guarantee. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY SAY THIS. I NEED TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. I hate myself becuase I hate the person I was. All of my most important times in life, I experienced as a version of myself that I truly consider repulsive. How do I see myself now? I am disappointed in how green I still feel in the realm of people. I am nowhere near my potenital and what I have at my disposal, have had, is a great amount of time. Perhaps i fuck it up. I need to find another human being who can guide me out of this darkness. College will be something. I am losing the light,. What the fuck does she want?

Beings of energy interacting like tides under water. A submerged whirlpool waiting to drag in unwitting sailors. An old creaking ship. A blue satin flag. Unicorn T shirt Acorn hat. My life is long car rides and solitary walks. My life is bathrooms and doctors offices. My life is diners and cafeterias. Nothing I hate more than a person who gives a shit. I walked around smacked out of my mind on the shrooms and my main conern was being around so many other people. Got a good bit of woods in still, shirtless in pouring rain. It hadn't even snowed yet. That is insane, I forgot that it snowed. 24 hours ago I was awake and on my computer. Not eating is good for you, not sleeping will fuck you up. I am concerned by this, I'm unable to function sober to the point that ill deprive myself food and sleep as a way to change my conscious state. When I was 7 years old I thought I was a sociopath. I dont know dude, I feel enough. Maybe not all the time. I want genuine connection with other people though, thats something separating myself from those with personality disorders. Is it possible for a person shaped into the man I am to make a genuine connnection. I am having mild auditory hallucination. I am pushing the limit here. I want caffeine but I won't do this any more, unbroken waking life is a heavy burden on the mind. The brain is more powerful anyway. I have figured out that replacing social media with meditation is something I want to do. I want to go to the swamp. I want to relive my past. I feel. Im not really writing anything. i might stop soon, dont want to wake anyone up and this isnt what i wanted to do anymore. wirting for the sake of writing for the sake of building a persona. Maybe it isnt a persona, maybe I am building my self up, i cant even hold these sentences together. I feel like nothing at all.